My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
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The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.
Doctor: Do you have any allergies?
Me: Cats.
Doc: I meant allergies to medications.
Me: Do they make medications from cats?
Doc: No.
Me: Then no.
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
I’m sorry but I strongly disagree
I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.
the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face
DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord
DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?
DV: fire!
[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]
My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.
Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?
Me: Get?
Adhd brain is amusing.
I know I need to make a list, but I fight making a list, and then I go to the store and completely neglect everything I need and come home with a donkey.
WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE
If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.
Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.
I’m really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn’t even put out any good songs
I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.Said no one ever.
He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.
Become ungovernable.
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…
I’ve been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.
Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha
Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
How to run faster:
1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start runningYou’re welcome