Her: You act like the Earth revolves around you.
Sun: *sigh* OK, Karen. Let’s go through this one more time.
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Before I had kids I wasn’t a morning person but after parenting for years I can finally look at the beautiful sunrise every day and say, I’m still not
Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you’re doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.
my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom
An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.
My background check bounced.
*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
You’re officially old when the lady who cuts your hair starts asking you if you would like her to trim your eyebrows and ears
…yes please
Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:
The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one
Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.
I think it’s cool that when you’re pregnant you not only make a baby but you also make a little table where you can put your cereal bowl.
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0
boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?
JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days
The world’s worst witness
Me: Then he tore off on some kind of donkey with round legs.
Police Officer: Do you think it might have been a motorcycle?
Me: You know, that’s probably what it was.
{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshakeExterminator: there’s your problem
COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife
Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.
Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.
I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.
Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”
-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.
Chopped: College Edition.
“In your mystery basket: Ramen Noodles, coffee, crippling debt, a worthless degree. Chefs, you have 30 minutes.”
My kid: Did you know that you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?
Me: Kinda like how your brain chooses to ignore the mess in your room?
How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.