I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.
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“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang
Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it
me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back
*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard
Fly wife: Notice anything?
Fly husband: …
Fly wife: Seventeen thousand eyes and not one spots my new haircut
“Ever wonder why Rice Krispies costs the same as quieter cereals?”
why would-
“It’s because they’re sold by weight-“
Dan, NO
“not by volume”
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.
Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?
Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.
“What a nice doggie.”
“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”
“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”
Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.
Cop: license and registration.
Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.
Cop: where is it?
Me: I have absolutely no idea.
Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.
Him: I don’t know how to do that.
Me puzzled: when did you get here?
My favorite type of men is ramen.
Grandparents these days decide to be called things like Nana or Papa or Mimi but why stop there? I’m going to make my grandkids call me Bobcat.
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣
a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck
Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.
Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?
Me: Revenge.
I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.
The pointless tidy up before a play date.