I don’t think my family will ever accept me.
First it’s “get a hobby,” now it’s “stop sacrificing our chickens to lesser-known gods.”
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#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways
Dr: You’ve gained some weight
Me: You said I should take it easy
Dr: That was a yr ago & you were sick
Me: WELL I’M NOT A MIND READER
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
[texting]
HotGirl: Help me ace the Periodic Table test tomorrow?
Nerd: Selenium Neodymium Neon Tungsten Darmstadtium
HG: ?
N: SeNd NeWDs
I just remembered the time I was dating a British man and I was annoyed at him about something so I deliberately made my tea in the microwave while staring him right in the eyes
My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they’ll lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.
The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
How’d you get a black eye?
Walked into a door.
[Later, another shiner]
More doors?
*nods*
One does not simply walk into more doors.
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
her: you seem really upset, what’s up?
me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.
Brb my Sims are getting married
Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?
My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.
“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”