WIFE: would you chop these onions for me
ME: sure
WIFE: I meant with a knife
ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man
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Adam: hey this is amazing we’re the first people ever, can you belEVE it lol
Eve: oh right, you like puns
Adam: have you EDEN dinner yet lmao
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to this shady looking snake
me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff
wife: where’s the baby
I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
ME (backseat): whoa kinda rolled through that stop there
KIDNAPPER: shut up
ME: can you help me with my seatbelt?
KIDNAPPER: no, quiet
ME: you should have gagged me
KIDNAPPER: *slams brakes* that’s it, get out
ME: …yo buddy this a no stopping zone
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*
Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.
Friend: Don’t you love these new yoga pants? They come with a little pocket for your phone.
Me: Your phone? *quietly stuffs cookies back in pocket*
[Wrench factory]
BOSS: I’m proud to say it’s been 250 days without an injury!
WORKERS: *celebrate by tossing all the wrenches into the air *
[writing my will]
me: what is cremation
lawyer: they’ll turn your body into ash
me: oh sweet so do i also get a pikachu
Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it’s just water under the fridge.
If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality
[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
Yes, lady who took two parking spaces. I’m the reason you can’t get in your car from the drivers side.
Have a nice day 🙂
*being mugged*
me: “im warning you, i know karate”
mugger made out of thin, stationary blocks of wood: “oh shit”
I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event
step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks
Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.
Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…
BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!
WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.
lawyer: juror number 4 why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency
“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”
– Ludacris steps on a land mine
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.