If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone
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If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crème brûlée baba ganoush with caramel’.
Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.
WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?
ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?
The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing.
So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks.
Then we had a duet and my point was missed.
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?
spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability
This is a bad idea on so many levels.
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
*pulls out 50 inch TV*
What? It’s really a phone.
I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!
Pleasantly surprised to discover the treadmill I bought came with a remote control so I can run it from my recliner.
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?
My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?
FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death
ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me
FUTURE-COP: W-
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.
What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.