Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
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Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune
[Before date]
Friend: Just don’t talk about your pants again
Me: Relax, I know how to flirt[Later]
Me: so I just unzip here and boom! shorts
Getting old is not fun. Sometimes I have to check my texts, photos and ring camera when someone asks me what I did yesterday
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
[2 monkeys in a bath]
Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!
Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in
I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.
ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.
WIFE *walking in* omg I just saw the cutest dog driving home from work
ME: wow *scratches head* I wonder what sort of job he does
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
[At drive through]
GUY: would you like a drink holder?
ME: ya sure
[driving home]
ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?
GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.
Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not
Beam me up, Scotty
Seam me up, tailor
Meme me up, internet
Team me up, sports agent
Steam me up, sauna
Dream me up, sleeper
Cream me up, barista
lmao i’m in boston and you’re telling me they really talk like this??? i thought everyone was just doing a bit to make fun of mark wahlberg
I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.
Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.
[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
“Avocado Kedavra”
-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole
Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do
If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.
I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.
Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler’s footie jammies and am comforted to know she’ll do well in prison.
*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*
The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?