According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
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Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please
Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.
Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to
[christmas]
BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!
ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.
Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.
Men, start giving your partners more inventive compliments. “You have the sort of face that a Victorian novelist would describe as amiable.” “You could play Tony Blair’s wife in a movie starring Timothee Chalamet.” Try it!
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”
A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.
Ordered a new piece of furniture that said ‘some assembly required.’ They delivered a tree stump with a note that said good luck.
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!
The first one, obviously
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
*doorbell rings, I open door*
Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?
Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?
Alien calls back to mothership: Can’t I just vaporize her?
Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.
[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too
I built a tricycle pram tonight
*adds bike mechanic to the resume*
ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!
I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”