My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
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I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.
Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
Therapist: perhaps you hide behind books and movies instead of addressing your problems
Me, wearing robes, a pointy hat, holding a wand and petting an orange cat sleeping in my lap: crookshanks and i don’t appreciate the judgmental tone you’re using right now
Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”
My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist
“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY
me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”
friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”
me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”
i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving
With me, it’s not PRIDE that comes before a fall. It’s half a bottle of vodka and a coffee table that I forgot existed.
What if the Bad News Bears literally gave you bad news?
Bear 1: You’re adopted
Bear 2: The cancer is terminal
Bear 3: This tweet ain’t funny
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
I’m listening
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:
M:
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good
[At the therapists]
Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.
Therapist: That’s the spirit!
Me: Holy shit! Where?
(Halloween Party)
Friend: What’s your costume?
Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”
Friend: But you always wear that
Me: Yeah.
Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
Some guys look classy carrying a flask. I look like a degenerate alcoholic, I dunno, maybe it’s my trackpants. Who’s house is this?
Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?
Wolfman: Silver bullets
Frankenstein: Fire
Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.
Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂
I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.