Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my reportWhat I imagine it’d be like if I had a job
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[karate class]
Sensei: break this board with your hands
Me: why can’t I use an axe?
Sensei: because I hate you
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers
What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
Fun tip:
Go to carnivals, scatter nuts and bolts around rides to cut down on wait times.
*thumbs up*
To the company that did an exhausting application and interview process for a job they did not choose me for,
I wish you the bes…eechingly WORST
I’m going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like ‘I’m sorry but it’s colder in Canada.”
Weatherman discovering his monitor has a touch screen
I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory
I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser
[taking the last bite of a big meal]
date: what would you like to do next
me: poop
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
My son thinks declaring “yuck” to every meal I prepare can break me, but he doesn’t realize academic life has hardened me from rejection. So, joke’s on him.
oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow
i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot
Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*Mom: what was that?!
God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?
Daughter: dada is Aquaman a mermaid?
Me: no honey.
Daughter: he can swim and breathe and talk underwater like a mermaid.
Me: yes but he has legs.
Daughter: Ariel has legs too.
[later]
Wife: I rushed home what’s the emergency?
Me: I think Aquaman might be a mermaid.
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
“Your mission… Should you chose to accept it…”
*Go to a bar you Hate
*Put $50 in the Jukebox
*Play nothing but Nickelback
*Leave