friend: you’re saying a huge alien lifted you onto his ship, examined you, and sent you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
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Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
[interviewing cave bat]
me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down?
Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.
Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here
If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.
Me: Now that you’re in kindergarten, you’re going work on being a good citizen to your classmates. Do you know what that means?
My 5YO: Yeah like don’t swear at them and don’t punch them.
Me: … yeah, pretty much
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics
Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.
Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
HERE’S A KID WITH NO ARMS AND NO LEGS AND HIS PARENTS ARE DEAD AND YOU’LL DIE SOON TOO, BUY THINGS.
– Super Bowl Commercials in a nut shell
I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.
Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes
Him: Yes but without peas
Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?
Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
“I need to print something from my phone.”
“There are a couple ways we can try to do that.”
“I’d like to pick the way that will take the most time, with the most opportunities for user error and the lowest probability of customer satisfaction.”
“That is the most popular option.”
Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.
I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
WIFE: I just read that men are five times more likely to be struck by lightning than women.
ME *on the roof in my He-Man costume with my sword* BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL WHAT HONEY?
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”
Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table
Cat: You aren’t my real father
Me: What?
Cat: Meow?
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house