Blew out my flip flop…
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It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
[Baby shower]
Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.
I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.
Human are so complicated
FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH
left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird
Wife’s friend: So what was your C section like?
Wife: Well, it wa….
Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes
Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.
On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
Me: How can I make this funny?
Them: Change what funny is.
If some guy wearing a bulletproof vest mocks you, shoot him in the arms so he can’t take it off, haha who’s laughing now fancy vest guy
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
I’m sorry but I strongly disagree
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
*opens facebook messenger*
*sips mtn dew twice*
*strokes neckbeard*
*begins typing*
Sorry abt ur mom dying
Tis a shame
Btw ur attractive
My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic
Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.
{Me as Cop}
*Kneels over body* We’re looking for someone briefly introduced even though they don’t seem relevant to the overall plot line.
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
Rose: I’ll never let go
Jack: are you sure aboat that lol
Rose: wow you make a lot of puns, I never noticed before
Jack: does it give you a sinking feeling lmaoo
Rose: maybe you should let go
That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.
I walked into a bakery and asked the lady at the register if I could buy a bagel with cream cheese.
“Sorry,” she said. “We only accept cash.”
“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.
[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
I’m definitely a ten
…tative 4
Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.
Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they batman now? The suspense is killing me.