Me: What did she send you on Snapchat?
My pre-teen: A picture of a wall.
Me: What did you send back?
My pre-teen: The ceiling.
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Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that
As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
Pretty sad that if you want to hit people in the knees with a hammer your career options are limited to doctor or enforcer for the mob.
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
so what are you guys doing for the other 3/4ths of july
Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.
Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel
People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet
Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!*all the adults start screaming*
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
Me: I read where psychologists are worried that after all this time in lockdown, people are going to have trouble adjusting to regular social interaction again. What do you think?
My couch:
What Kermit (the frog) is called in different countries:
10. Kermit (Denmark)
9. Kermit (France)
8. Kermit (Japan)
7. Kermit (Slovakia)
6. Kermit (Italy)
5. Kermit (Canada)
4. Kermit (Iceland)
3. Kermit (the Netherlands)
2. Kermit (Poland)
1. Gustavo (Spain)
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.
It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.
My 3yo isn’t very original when it comes to naming his stuffed animals… Kitty, Brown Bear, Bunny, etc. So why should I be surprised he named the turtle “Turdy?”
The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.
BOSS: I have some tough news
INVISIBLE MAN: Go on
BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities
INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit
This raises questions
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
me: *falls down stairs*
kind stranger: oh, you poor thing!
me: *tears in my eyes* why did you have to bring my finances into this
People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴
Me and be Jealous?… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA … Who is McDonald’s and why are you ‘lovin it’?
Gatsby: *pouring wine* After all, they DO call me the Grape Gatsby
Daisy Buchanan: Wow they really call you the Great Gatsby?
Gatsby: … Yup