Creepy guy at gas station: you got boyfriend?
Me: um yes. I’m married.
CG: *shrugs* your loss.
Me:
CG:
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SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL
Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.
MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。
This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.
Holy moly
Who called it cremation and not ashashination
I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.
He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
It’s easy to watch movies on this plane! Just download our app, set your phone to airplane mode, turn on your wifi, select our wifi, go to our website, enter in the special key, add a photo of your driver’s license, enter your social security number twice, give us your first born.
ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days
Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨
girl: i’m way into philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry whom is ur favorite philosopher
*walks up to cashier with paper towels*
Are these the largest tampons you have?
I can raise kids just fine,
but keeping plants alive that
only need to be watered once
a month is apparently
out of my reach.
At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.
DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil
I saw that post about caramelizing onions taking 90 minutes and i just want to know why that person found every onion in the tri-county area and put it in a small cast iron pan
It’s like yeah, guy, if you put eighty onions in a thimble, it’s gonna take a fortnight to caramelize
New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.
Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.
Dude came through my broken gate and told me he was a fencer. He seemed shocked when I stabbed him in the chest like, on guard, dude
therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?
me: no no, i said arsonist
therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now
me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen
When the priest says “Body of Christ” I say “Thanks, I’ve been working out.”
Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.
My kids and I play this fun game where I wake up early to enjoy a coffee alone and they wake up earlier to make sure that I don’t
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.