I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
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you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning
Tip: “At the same time” has more characters than “simultaneously.”
The point is, having a vocabulary helps you tweet gooder.
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.
Siri, fight Alexa.
Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
Me: BEAN!!! Come here!
9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public
Me: Beanie Baby?
D: Mom. No.
Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-
D: MOM!!!
Why do people talking about legal matters use the term “in a court of law?” In the context of your very legal story, Karen, what the hell kind of court did you think I was imagining?
New comic up. “Ransom”
This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces
The 70’s called. They built a time phone.
Me: [puts dog food into dish]
My dog: eh I’m not hungry
[1 minute later]
Me: [opens package of cheese]
My dog: oh great I’m STARVING
[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote
Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.
You’re born, you grow up, have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive, you die, your kids have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive……
Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*
therapist: so, how are you feeling?
me: i’m feeling ok
therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.
Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?
*Tortoise says something racist.
Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.
[Jaden Smith at aquarium]
“…any questions?”
Do Crabs Think Fish Can Fly?
“No”
What If Our Air Is Just Bird Water?
“Huh”
How Can Birds Be R
Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.
If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.
The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.
My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.