Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.
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And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.
Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.
There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.
ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?
GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?
I looked out the window to enjoy the beautiful view of our mountains. I then looked over to the left toward the end of our driveway and I see my 10 yo and 8 yo. They were twerking whenever cars came by.
We have to move now.
Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.
“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”
*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*
2 Smurfs stand over a body…
“What happened?”
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Nobody helped?”
“No.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
“…”
“Oh.”
I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.
No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.
Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*
I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option
Packing in my 20s: Toothbrush and bikini
Packing in my 30s: Those things plus a swim suit cover up, 3 face creams, hair products to cover up postpartum hair loss, spanks, sensible shoes, and denture cream.
[Hiking]
Me: Want some trail mix?
Her: This is just a sandwich bag full of rocks and twig-
Me: All from this trail!
I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
HER: You almost ready to go to my mothers?
ME: *looking out window wondering if the jump will only break a leg & not kill me* Be right down.
Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once
my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.
If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.
*calls 911*
Hey, I found some big guns.
*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*
I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube
my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents
Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
HER: I know making friends as an adult is hard, just try asking questions.
{Later at a bar}
ME (who has not tried to make friends since 3rd grade): What’s your favorite dinosaur mine’s triceratops.
Discuss
America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM
Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*