I don’t know if this would be classified as “unethical” but I have filled my neighbour’s eavestroughs with birdseed.
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yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.
[company meeting]
Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.
Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh here comes the tickle monster
A doorbell rings. I immediately look up, shocked, as I don’t have one installed. It chimes again. I shiver. The sound vibrates in my soul. I lay aside my book, the text forgotten, and go inexorably to answer the summons. There’s a man there. He speaks,
“Hello. I sell doorbells.”
IN JOB INTERVIEW
EMPLOYER: what do you think you’d bring to our company?
ME: i’m straight up goated. i’m efficiencymaxxing. i’m taskpilled. i’m in my fucking bag
EMPLOYER: ok i think we’ve heard enough
Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.
Me: I’ve always said I’d never get married again but there is one man that has changed my mind and that’s…
Him: Wow. *gets on one knee*
Me: …Mr. Bean
If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old
*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*
*silence*
Am I even in the right parking lot?
*at reading of my will*
Executor: *opens envelope*
‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’
I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.
You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me
Overheard:
5yo : you think I’m ugly
6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no
My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.
Me: I need a doctor’s appointment
Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: No I don’t need that many
HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!
Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale
My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership
PSA:
Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.
Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child