That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.
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Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
the official breakfast of 2021
I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.
Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”
[Inventing Canadians]
Angels: *giggling* omg they’re SO nice!
God: Oh yeah? Check this out. *drops hockey puck*
If you’re not happy single you won’t be happy married. Happiness comes from eating potatoes, not from relationships.
Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
ME: I’ll have the pasta with mushroom, aka the fungus of the woods.
DATE: You know when you say it like that it’s not very appetizing.
ME: Oh, sorry! I’ll have the shrimp instead, aka the cockroach of the sea.
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”
Guy – “Hey are you famous?”
Me – “No.”
Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”
Me – “I don’t speak English.”
Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”
Me – “The Ukraine.”
Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”
Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”
[commercial for babies]
*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*
Narrator: don’t you hate this?
I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*
JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol
I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.
*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
Oh, so when other ppl call their pets “fur baby” its fine but when I call a kid a “skin dog” somehow I’m “disgusting” and “the worst pediatrician in this hospital”??
My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.
Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.