every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough
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Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”
Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
I just bit into a dorito and had a piece of cool ranch seasoning fly into my eye and blind me and make me scream like I was being burned with acid so maybe don’t let me on your apocalypse survival team
Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
Not everyone was Kung foo fighting
I was just trying to get out of my sports bra
[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?
Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.
My dog ate my work from home.
You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.
March 2020: I’m going to take this time and learn to paint.
November 2020: Wow. I didn’t think you could get to the end of Netflix.
[at pet store]
Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.
Me: Porcelain. Earthenware. Stoneware. Ball Clay.
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Reciting pottery.
Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.
If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?
I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
Me: I hate drama.
Also me: Reads all 258 comments on a heated Facebook post thread that is 100 percent not my business.
I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
FRIEND: What’s the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it?
[at the same time]
HER: Frankenstein.
ME: Frosty the Snowman.
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
[If my dog could talk]
DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY