Me *at my office*: “Do you need someplace to put that out?”
Client: “I’m not smoking.”
Me: “No, I meant your kid.”
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do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done
Also I have no idea how tampons work
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now
Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.
MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?
ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther
MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away
ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie
Some women complain that their husbands aren’t observant, not me. I’ve been wearing a new ruby ring (that my husband doesn’t know he bought me) for 3 days now and I’m thrilled he hasn’t noticed.
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i’d love to be a dinkwad (dual income no kids with a dog)
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.
[static]
MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY
“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.
ME: what’s wrong with my dog
VET: he appears perfectly healthy
ME: i give him a stick and he just stares at it
VET: …
ME: even if I go long, he refuses to throw it
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle
What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.
You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.
[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?
Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’
It’s my last day in my current job and all my coworkers have come dressed as me
Next weeks therapy session is going to be a doozy
ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!