Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?
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Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving
what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
I swear I am going to sit in the parking lot and slam a bag of beef jerky before my dental hygienist appointment.
Make her earn every dollar of that teeth cleaning.
Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”
Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-
Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while
I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.
*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking
If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you
Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!
I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.
You only live once. Go talk to that gorgeous person… ask them for their phone number, steal their identity, buy yourself a big screen TV
A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
Guys, my heart is broken. Utterly broken.
I’ve been married more than 10 years. A whole decade and I guess even that’s not enough to fully know a person
I came home early today from work to surprise my wife. I opened the door and walked in on her watching “twilight” on Netflix
my relationship with the mailman is pretty toxic. one day he brings me gifts and i love him 😍. the next day he brings me bills and i hate him 🤬. but he always comes back 😌
If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.
Breaking news:
911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”
He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me
me: I don’t like other people’s kids
them: how old are yours?
me: I don’t have any
angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?
God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys
GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no
I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament
Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.
What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.
You know where I’d like to go?
Missing