A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
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I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
Did my fruit just move?
Pear-anormal activity
Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.
FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys
My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone
all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
[first day as an ambulance driver]
ME: *crashes into a light pole*
PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet
He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does
First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.
The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.
[Buzzfeed for Cats]
6 THINGS THAT WILL MAKE U BOLT FROM THE ROOM
-Vacuum cleaner
-Walls
-The floor
-Air
-Yourself
-Nothing. Nothing at all
We do it every night.
Annoy each other.
19 showed us what he has learned at college when he asked “can we drink screwdrivers while we are opening presents?”
*making screwdrivers*
My 8yo was playing science lab, spilled some concoction on the floor, and made a sign saying “caution: wet floor” instead of wiping it up, parenting is friggin’ ridiculous
[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born
My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.
johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.