[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier
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Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
MISSING CAT❗️
-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.
By age 35 you should:
-live in a cave on a mountain
-hate everyone
-try to destroy christmas at least once
-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails
Saw a fess on here how someone randomly texted their wife saying “I love you” and it saved their marriage. Tried it and now my wife thinks I am having an affair as it’s out of character
Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.
During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
Boss: You’re late.
Me: Only in this time zone.
Apparently it doesn’t matter that in China I’d be 12 hours early.
( 12pm. )
Friends: Want to go grab some lunch?
Me: Nah, I’m on a diet.
( 12am )
Me:
Me, before kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* That’s odd, I’ll pick that right up.
Me, with kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* Oh, I see it’s Tuesday.
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on
*Takes off clothes
*Enters meeting room naked
*Coworkers gasp in horror
*Slowly backs out of room[whispers] “you said debriefing”
When I was 35, I put my finger in a small alligator’s mouth to see if it would hurt. Did it hurt? Yes. Do I regret it? No. I go into a lot of things and I KNOW I will get hurt, but I’m left with something money can’t buy. A pretty cool scar.
Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.
I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.
If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.
Stick it to the man
At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.
My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.
Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.
I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings
Her: What’s that account pin again?
Me: 051598
Her: Our wedding anniversary?
Me: Yes…they recommended for security purposes that I pick a number that’s insignificant.
Her:
Me: (immediately starts vacuuming)
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.