Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.
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[Driving]
*Sees a McDonald’s*
*Thinks coffee*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*
“Either shave your legs or kiss me”
Thursday thoughts from my late father…
“Whadya mean you can’t change a tire. What do you think I sent you to college for?”
I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.
Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.
Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”
OFFER
FINAL OFFER
BEST & FINAL OFFER
LAST & FINAL OFFER
SMART & FINAL OFFER
FINAL OFFER TOKYO DRIFT
People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore
If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.
People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.
cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable
old people like to golf every day because they are so sick of everyone’s shit and just wanna repeatedly whack something
Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.
Van Gone
dog: the humans have food all the way up on the counter, that’s illegal
*calls in the SWAT team*
cat, wearing sunglasses and tactical gear: I’ll take it from here boys
*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”
I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.
12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.
I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
Good morning
My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.
wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too
I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight