Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
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Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
* deletes account
*reactivates
AND, ONE MORE THING…
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
Date: Have you ever been to an animal hospital?
Me: No *imagines a dog holding a stethoscope* but I want to
I opened a door for a girl, but then the crowd flow never stopped so I’ve been holding this door open for 3 days.
Send help.
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
I can’t believe it’s so cold I have to wear gloves inside. I mean I’m not even robbing anything or trying not to leave fingerprints
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
Seems legit
My teenage children choosing violence
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.
I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..
There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
When he finished eating 9 said “thank you for dinner but so you know I’d prefer my potatoes cooked for longer” so I said “you’re very welcome and so you know I’d prefer to have a 2-hour nap every afternoon”
today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time
[first Captain to go down with the ship]
Captain: are you sure this a thing? I feel like this isn’t really a thing.
Crew: [already rowing away in the lifeboat]
I’m baking and got molasses on my hand. This is it. I’ll be stuck to something for good in 5 mins. This is how I will die.
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
That’s preposterous
Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over
Her: This is our bedroom
Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow
Batman: Why so down?
Aquaman: People think I’m not a real superhero. I’m tired of being walked all over.
*[Jesus enters]
Aquaman: Dammit!
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.
I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”
Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams