“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”
…
*sunglasses*
…
*turns to camera*
…
hunch.”
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PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
Are you Eminem?
Let’s find out…
Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.
The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.
I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.
I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.
NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN
Summer break is cool because I won’t be alone for the next 2000 hours of my life but at least I won’t have to pack anyone a lunch.
Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.
In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”
If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]
[rubs Genie bottle]
“can you hook me up with some wifi?”
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
ME *enters new password*
COMPUTER: Ok
M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?
C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind
Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.
Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
[office]
DAVE: We’re having a baby
SUE: Congratulations!
ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.
My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.