Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.
You Might Also Like
I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.
[date]
him: I loved Captain Marvel.
me: Me too!
him: What was your favorite part?
me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling
5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.
I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.
Just kidding.
I moved the damn towel.
Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*
“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
I know how to share fries even if others do not. I am a bear.
4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️
Me: one pill pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: no just one pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: pls only one pi-
Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao
live, laugh, laundry.
Wife: I want a divorce
Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.
Wife: then drink the tea I made for you
I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.
This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy
Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”
Me: “Nachos.”
“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”
“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”
It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”
“Release the Kraken!”
…
“Well?”
“We released him. He just took off. It’s not like he was trained or anything.”
…
“Release the tuna!”
Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.
Netflix: Should I play this movie?
Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second
Netflix: I’ll put it on
Me: I’m just literally reading what it is
Netflix: It’s playing 🙂
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices
Me: Does that include salt and pepper?
KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices