I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).
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Be kind. Everyone is going through something. Heartache. Financial stress. Their bananas ripened too quickly. Having the song from the Jardiance commercial stuck in their head because it’s aired 5 million times a day.
We all have our battles to fight.
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
Why am I like this?
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.
[church]
1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*
Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.
Wife: Nuclear power plants?
Me: Second worst place.
Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.
Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain
If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no
Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime
Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason
🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵
~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls
Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.
ghost: boooooOoo
me: you better stop
ghost: what are you doing
me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother
ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo
Here’s a common scam that is going around that you should know about:
Sometimes cats will meow at you like they haven’t been fed, but in fact someone DID feed them and they’re just trying to get fed again
[blind date]
her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something
me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship
her: ah there it is
[job interview]
him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol
I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
[on deathbed]
“Tell my Wif… *cough*”
Yes? Tell her what?
“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”
[dies]
I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.
I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.
If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.