my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid
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I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.
Me: Ahh finally, some sleep
My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?
Me: Goddamnit
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam
Seeing a lot of people questioning how a bridge that big can collapse that quickly, so as someone with an engineering degree, I’ll try to break it down from a technical perspective:
Bridges aren’t designed to withstand a giant ship crashing into them. Hope that helps!
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘impossible’
“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”
*walks off stage*
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes
the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling
People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.
I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.
It’s summer. We’re young. Let’s sneak into someone else’s pool and skinnydip. If we get caught, we stab them and assume their identities.
Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way
At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.
I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.
took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.
*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
It’s happened
I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room
Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻♀️
My MIL is savage. She got into an argument with her husband while we were staying at their house, and when I posted photos of our weekend with them, she liked each of my photos except the one he was in.
There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan