What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
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You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.
*all the animals gathered around Adam*
Lion: Tell us again how you named us
Deer: Yes tell us tell us!
Adam: Well I-
Lumpsucker fish: boooo
Adam: I just-
Cockchafer beetle: BOOOOOOOO
*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*
Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.
United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers
WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind
ME: Duh
[later at party]
ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?
Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*
Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]
Saw a billboard that said: Don’t be distracted by driving and texting. Next one said: Don’t be distracted by driving and reading billboards.
Me: I’ll never be like my parents
Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!
Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy
My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*
“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”
At Starbucks:
It’s Bryan with a “y”
(3 minutes later)
“Venti Iced Vanilla Latte for Briany!”
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
“WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS GOING ON? IS THAT RAIN? OH GOD I WISH I HAD EYES” – Worms
chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
Using “Hello” as a greeting
– boring
– uninspired
– predictableUsing “Hiya” as a greeting
– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet
Unsolved mysteries, cat edition