Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?
Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing
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[Date rolls over in bed & gasps in horror]
Me: [In nothing, with pantyhose over my head] Did you know the average person swallows 8 spiders a year in their sleep?
I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
Counting Crows in the 90s: “They took all the trees and put ’em in a tree museum and they charged the people a dollar and a half to see them.”
Me in 2023: “Wow that’s a good price.”
My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.
Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.
People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.
As someone with extensive IT experience, I can almost guarantee the AT&T outage yesterday was over some certificate expiring somewhere and nobody knowing how to regenerate it because Carl got laid off seven years ago and the only machine with the keys decommissioned in 2019.
Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!
Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo
[Jr. Biology class, girls in jumpsuits burst in]
OK, who’s ready for fun? We’re The Photosynthesisters & we’re gonna talk 2 U about PLANTS!
4-year-old: Dad?
Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.
4:
Me:
4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?
Now I’m awake.
11,780 cans of beans on the wall…
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈
9: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
9: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
9:
Me:
9:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit
Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.
[First day studying philosophy]
Professor: I like to start up each class by sparking a debate. You. You over there. Say something that we can discuss.
Me: Me?
Professor: Yes.
Me: Err… Err… Does a hotdog ever become a colddog?
Professor: Actually, not you. Someone else.
ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later