My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.
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Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?
5: *comes in room* hey old lady
Me: *looks around*
5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady
Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*
Wife: please stop eating so much salt.
Me: why?
Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.
Me: so you’re saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?
Wife: [pours more salt on my food].
My heart skips a beat and my hands clench. Lips quivering, I lower my gaze to the ground. Faced with the truth, the disappointment I feel rips through my gut like the sharpest of blades. I HAVE DROPPED MY CHEESE.
*loses you in a crowd*
finally
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.
* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping
my favorite part of watching any sport is when the announcer tells us that in order for the team to win they have to score more points than the other team, & when they fall short & lose the game i like to shake my head & say to myself, “should’ve listened to the announcer.”
I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.
This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞
[Watching the sunrise with my girlfriend]
HER: Aw, this makes my day.
ME: It makes everyone’s day, Sharon.
How to get a woman:
1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep drivingShe’s yours now, plus you have a new car.
Why are top brands getting more attention while your unique, innovative ideas stay underrated? Here is some #ThursdayAdwisdom. The truth is that you may be missing out on one of the most fundamental rules of selling – grabbing consumer’s interest. #digitalmarketing
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store
Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears
KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin
Bear Family: what’s our cover?
KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
man…im so hungry i could-
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
“you could what?”
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich
“thought so.”
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder