Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.
You Might Also Like
Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*
*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can
I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.
Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.
*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”
Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
P:
Dr:
P:
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being
The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
excel: ope you don’t need that leading zero right
me: yes. that’s why i typed it th-
excel: there you go we’ve cleaned up all leading zeros
me: i need tha-
excel: zeros are icky
“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.
How is that even science fiction?
They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”
Providing directions like “when the wind blows northeasterly, you’ll come to a rickety old white mansion with an old crone in a rocking chair on the porch—turn to the exact angle her nose points, then continue until a frog hits you in the face. I’ll be the one throwing the frog.”
Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard a cat screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. Sometimes they do that when they are in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT
This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”
I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.
The hardest thing Vision has to do
I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.
Me carrying around all the patience I have today x
[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.
My package got from New York to Chicago in the same business day. Over the next four days it has traveled less than 20 miles, although it moves every day. I think it is walking here.
Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?
Lemming: Just trust me, ok?
[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.
I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.