I only look at Wordle for the articles
You Might Also Like
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*
Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…
For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…
Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”
[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain
acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life
unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life
Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?
Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.
Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion
My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
My husband pissed me off today so I told him that I can’t wait to see what he had planned for our special day tomorrow
There is nothing special about tomorrow
But there is something special about watching the color leave his face as the panic takes over
My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.
[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.
don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine
YouTube videos are like: fix it yourself in a few easy steps! You just need a screwdriver, soldering iron, hydraulic torque wrench, stork beak pliers, and a scissor lift!
DIET JOURNAL
DAY 1: A little hungry. Stayed within my calories. I can do this.
DAY 4: A humpback whale responded to my stomach growls.
In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.
Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.
Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.