Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
You Might Also Like
Donald Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.
Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
her: have i been a bad girl?
me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.
My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”
I just watched an ad for a stain remover in which they cleaned a pool of blood off a sofa and it seemed perfectly normal.
Who called them cat allergies and not meowlergies
My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?
Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date
Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
Him: You’re married?
Me: Well, it’s Thursday. So, yeah.
Him: What about on Friday?
Me: Depends how Thursday goes.
I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now
Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background
Don’t ask me how I know
If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.
[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”
Me: “wedding cake”.
[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
THAT’S IT I’M WAKING HIM
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”
Me: Want me to carry you?
4-year-old: This time, I’ll carry you!
*tries to lift me*
4: Never mind. You’re fat.
My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.
Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.
Murderer:
7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers
2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014
Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach
Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*
Me: … Than what?
Friend:
Me: Hello?
Voice on other end: Moo.