What is a magic bullet?
A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy
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[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
[montage of me giving-up]
*I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*
ME: Good morning, world!
CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen… He’s back.
My wife and I were leaving for our night out.
Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’
That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.
How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.
Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,
Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…
murderer: *stabbing me*
me: 🙂
murderer: doesn’t it hurt?
me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)
Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me
Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-
Me: *glares*
Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.
Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.
Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”
Everything reminds me of my ex
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away
Husband: I said I would do it
Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY
Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag
Betrayal Treasury, Age 5:
Instead of ice cream after my tonsillectomy, a lime popsicle, the texture of which I do not enjoy.
[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]
ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it
*elephant crushes car*
why did I name you Stompy
For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* oh no
WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”
[tells friend cat passed away]
Is there anything I can do?
Yes [holds up fur coat] put this on & lie in my lap
But I-
[starts crying]
OK OK
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……