Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is
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Shrek 5 should be a multiverse team-up with Gamora, the Grinch, the Hulk, the Jolly Green Giant, Kermit, an Orion dancer, Oscar, Mike Wazowski, Baby Yoda, Non-Baby Yoda, & that guy who won’t shut up about his one Irish grandparent.
*at July 4th cookout*
3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?
Me: [explains the concept of a country]
3:
3: So where is she? Does America have legs?
Me:
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works
me: why’d you pull me over?
cop: I think you know why
me: it’s my eyes isn’t it
cop: …
me: *sigh* they’re hazel
cop: so mysterious
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible
It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out
I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot
If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.
Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off
Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝
I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence
Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.
hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly
TARGET GUY: anything I can help you find?
ME: I’m looking for *eyes turn black* BLOOD OF THE INNOCENT
TARGET GUY: *eyes turn black* AISLE 5
When I pack too much for a short trip.
My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.
*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.
My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind
Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you
My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes
I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice#haiku
Don’t crossbreed an owl with a duck,
The offspring is naught but a schmuck,
You might start overjoyed,
But you’ll soon be annoyed,
By all the incessant wise quacks.
when the buffet is more honest than your date