You could do like my granny does when she loses a pet. Sticks it in the freezer.
I almost thawed out poppy the parrot once thinking it was chocolate mint ice cream
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I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
I’ve turned the wifi off. The 15yo’s world has ended. I feel like one of the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse.
Conquest, War, Famine & Dad.
Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?
my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting
Me: Look to my left.
Friend: We’re facing the same way. Why don’t you say our left?
Me: I don’t like to share.
I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.
i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you
The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving
I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.
[universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent
My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
them: our youngest is 73 months.
me: what’s that in human people years
How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.
Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites
Middle Earth: Yay
Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]
“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.
I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.
Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
I can be very helpful at the store, a lady had the fixings for pasta in her cart so I threw in some garlic bread because I knew she’d forgotten, I mean what psycho doesn’t eat garlic bread with pasta.
The baby of our family starts school next week. When he was 4 years old in Pre-K he had 6 older siblings in the same school. He is now the last one standing, entering high school. I asked if he was nervous and he said, “It’s taken a decade but I’m finally my own man.”
He’s 14.