The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
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<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>
If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you
Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber
A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind
Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
Britain be like
I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.
BRITISH PEOPLE: so, shoe sizes go up in halves to 13 and then start again at 1. Women’s clothes go up in 2s but using only even numbers. Height is in feet made up of 12 inches and weight is in stones made up of 14…
ALIEN: are there any smarter animals we can talk to?
Me: Please stop asking me a question every five seconds. I just want to sit on this couch and rest.
Therapist: Umm…you do know where you are, right?
Me: AGAIN with the questions!!
I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human
I’m excited to visit my Grandma tonight, but she just about gave me a heart attack
Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪
The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.
Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Hey guys, welcome to my cooking channel, be sure to smash that subscribe button *children’s voices at the door* ok! let’s get started
I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.
Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away
the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
[god creating dolphins]
Peter: why is he smiling?
God: cos, Pete, I’ve given him an asshole on top of his head
Peter: ah. Nice
Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.
Alarms are for people without children or puppies
No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.
Ha ha I’m so lonely
Whenever I go to a restaurant without my kids, I feel like something is missing…
DOES ANYONE NEED THEIR TUSHY WIPED?!