When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.
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After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.
Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.
I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
I imagine if I had a job doing manual labor, I’d be in great shape.
Then I do 15 minutes of manual labor and reality comes back into focus.
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.
If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.
Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.
Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.
Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.
person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel
I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike
It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
[pretend restaurant]
4-year-old: what do you want ?
me: pizza
4: we don’t have pizza
me: what do you have?
4: nothing
me: I’ll have nothing
4: we don’t have that
me: *throws table* this is bullshit!
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
[helping a pretty girl change a flat tire]
me struggling to loosen lug nuts: Who put these on… Superman?
her: I did
Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.
Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is
My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.
My one weakness is indecision.
if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me
Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.
I get mortgage-related spam multiple times a day. It reaches me by text, phone, email, postage, and even social media. I’m absolutely sick of them not giving homing pigeons a chance.
flight attendant: is there a doctor onboard?
dad: *nudging me* that could’ve been you
me: not now, dad
dad: not asking for a standup comic to help, are they?
me: dad, there’s a medical emergency happening rn
dad: go and see if “what’s the deal with lamp shades” helps
COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend
When I was a kid I vowed that when I grew up my freezer would always be filled with ice cream bars.
Meet my wife, the dream killer.
The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.