I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”
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There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?
Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally
Hey kids, please don’t wash the 13 glasses you’ve already left in the sink. Just grab a clean one next time you’re thirsty.
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.
I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.
If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.
My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.
8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
I’m doing the lords work (judging)
If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.
Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.
joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people
batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you
joker:
batman:
joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
My husband keeps borrowing and losing my tweezers, so I’m naming this chin hair after him
superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell
It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
Me: I got a new car!
Him: What kind of mileage does it get? What’s the horsepower? How long is the powertrain warranty?
Me: It’s red.
I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
me: i need answers
smashmouth guy: please i have a family
me: [tasing him again] who told you?
smashmouth guy: aaagh
me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me
smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY