Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
You Might Also Like
just make the entire table out of coaster
left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue
“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015
Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.
I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.
My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.
Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”
He didn’t even die.
Killing people with kindness is hard.
“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]
[landlord walks in apartment]
“I told you no pets!”That’s a stray gerbil.
“And those fish??”
…stray fish. SHOO FISH, SCRAM
The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal
My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
When you kidnap a writer.
How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”
Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop
They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.
Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.
Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.
Has there ever been a more American story?
me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda
I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.
me: hello 911
operator: actually you’ve reached 116
me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff
Saying goodbye to an old friend today. Thoughts and prayers appreciated. Goodbye, bra that stabbed me this week.
ME: Humans have 10,000 taste buds. Cats have 470
SON: So cats don’t have much taste
CAT [watching the emoji movie] haha this is hilarious