People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
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[at specialist office]
Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?
Me: I’m here for…did you just say witch doctor?
SD: no
M: you sure?
SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no
My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.
feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.
Government Shutdown: Day 4
3am: Monkey House, National Zoo
A door crashes open.
A triumphant screech.Ben Stiller escapes into the night.
Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house
Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me
Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street
I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100
Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are
The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime
Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?
There was a man hunched over by a trash can and I heard sniffling and thought he was crying so I said “hey man are you alright” and he turned around and he was doing lines off a book. Pretty sure he’s doing alright.
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..