I’m not sure what everyone at my coworking space does for work, but I’m pretty sure one guy’s job is chewing.
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Here are 5 things you should know about me:
1. I’m very secretive
*watches a house fall on you*
*steals your shoes*
Toy Story
Toy Story 2: Toy Fast Toy Furious
Toy Story 3: Toykyo Drift
Toy Story 4: Toy Meets World
Toy Story 5: Toynado
Toy Story 6: Lotso’s Revenge
Toys 7
Toy Story 8: Toy Yoda-thon
Toy Story 9: The Fate of the Toys
why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
I met a guy who wanted to work on some songs with me. I went to his house and he asked me if I wanted some whiskey. I said sure and he handed me a whole bottle and grabbed a bottle for himself. We never got to those songs but we did get arrested.
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire
boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”
7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.
One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.
A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”
Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.
Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
My brother-in-law: what’s your kittens names?
My 10yo: Jinx and Jingles.
BIL: Which one is the black one?
10yo: that one. *points to black kitten*
I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
OMINOUS CHANTING
*pentagram starts to glow*
YES! RISE DARK LORD! RISE!
*Satan tosses pillow through portal*
UNGH 5 MORE MINUTES!!!
Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful
I visited my doctor today.
He told me my sugar was too high.
So I came home & moved it to a lower shelf
Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.
they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year
5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?
Doctor: Describe your usual day
Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat
Doctor: Okay I see the problem
Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or
If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.