If you made her sweat, sweat till she can’t sweat no more, perhaps you should have taken a water break. Dehydration is dangerous.
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you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak
*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*
anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra
Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”
Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!
adorable snowman: rawr
hikers: awwww
*starts eating them*
hikers: AWWWW
I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
Take charge of your life and get a home tattoo kit from Amazon. Do you really want a stranger drawing anything permanent on your body?!
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.
Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.
Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure
Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”
Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”
Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.
Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no
If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.
My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.
Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.
I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.
They’re all grounded.
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.