My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
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My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
*skinny dips into black hole
Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
One time I ran into an old friend and she said “omg you haven’t met my baby” and i said “omg I had no idea” and the next day I went to her house with a baby gift and her baby was a goddamn cat.
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse
Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.
Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*
Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit
Me: WAIT
Adam and Eve: *Staring*
Me: You gotta wash it first
If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.
gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass
They take Opposite Day seriously here at El Sol. I love sushi/getting paid to eat, but the dead mariachi band is something of a mood-killer.
Me: how about we role-play?
Her: ooh you’ve been a bad boy, go sit on the naughty step for *checks time left on the show she’s watching* 23 minutes.
Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
There are two wolves inside you
webmd: wolf cancer
Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!
Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy
Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?
me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit
Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.
The cashier just checked me out.
*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
This is hilarious….
[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
He died doing what he loved, waving a metal rod on a rooftop in a storm, yelling FU, GOD! Although he slipped & fell, Ted’s memory lives on.
Dear Santa,
I’m only asking for 1 thing this year; get rid of words like adorbs and obvi before we all start using them. That would be totes amazing.
Oh, SONOFA-
It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.