me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
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Having multiple kids is weird. You have one kid you could trust to be home alone for a whole weekend & you know they’d eat vegetables, lock the doors, & wash the dishes.
Then you have another kid who is not allowed to hold an umbrella.
And they’re almost the same age.
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
Hey Pringles, It’s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn’t exactly thin-wristed. Thank you!
Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.
Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games
Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave
Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.
THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are:
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”
My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: The precise amount I was predestined to
“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter
Happy thanksgiving!
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
If you’re buying something embarrassing at the drugstore (like an enema), just ask for a gift receipt so they won’t think it’s for you.
ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.
*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them
[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot
HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
my head, thawed from cryogenic storage 1000 years in future: boy, i could go for a pizza
lab staff: what is ..peet-za?
my head: throw me out the window right now i’m not even exaggerating
Chefs who can’t admit failure present:
Soft-boiled eggs
Steak tartare
Twice-baked potatoes
Sour cream
Calzones
Pineapple upside down cake
Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok