Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
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After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.
“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”
~My son apparently
At soccer today my 5 yo realized one teammate was actually his friend from school. It’s been a month. This is everything you need to know about his attention to detail.
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
Why do I “need” an assault rifle? Why did Rosa Parks “need” to sit in the front of the bus? Because Merica, that’s why.
STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET
1) PUT SHEET ON BED
2) FOLD BED
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.
I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.
DENTIST: I need to test how sensitive you are
ME: Ok
DENTIST: You have a stupid haircut
ME *lip starts trembling*
DENTIST: I see
FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
This is why science literacy is so important, kids.
If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.
Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”
My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
My son just flicked a booger & now it’s hanging from my wife’s forehead. I’d tell her, but our waitress is still reading the specials.
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string
I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?
I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up