[11 has been working on his homework for 1 hour]
11: Guess what, there are only 3 people in the U.S. with my exact name.
Me: What class is this for?
11: I haven’t started yet.
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I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
Satan: “Waaazzz up?”
God: “Speak of the Devil.”
Satan: “Really?”
God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”
Satan: “Jesus Christ.”
Jesus: “What?”
Saw a bumper sticker that said ‘Jesus is the answer.’ Two cars later I saw one that said ‘Who farted?’ Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.
Me:*Gently nudges your arm*
Would you like to be my Valentine?
Doctor: Can we discuss this after your colonoscopy?
Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
fun fact: nike is short for nichael
Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters
Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?
Wife: We need to talk
Me, absolutely panicking: What
Wife: We need to start buying the big jars of peanut butter
[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
[interview]
Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?
Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”
card machine: insert chip card into reader
me: ok
card machine: do NOT remove card
me: uhh ok i wo-
card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces
A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*
Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.
My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
Her: “How is it possible for anyone to be an idiot all the freakin time!” Me: “I know, I’m completely exhausted.”
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.
When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.