Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
You Might Also Like
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
Me: So tired
Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…
M: Please don’t
B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?
Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless
Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
[Preparing for a heist]
Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?
Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo
There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.
20 yr old mom: my child is my life I would give my own life for him
40 yr old mom: GET OFF THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW OR I WILL END YOU
Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do[2 hrs later]
Neighbor: Is your wife home?
Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil
if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
Christmas movie tip. If you watch Die Hard straight after Love Actually, Alan Rickman will be punished for what he did to Emma Thompson.
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
*Wife screams*
“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”
*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*
“It’s his house now”
Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
The list of “unfriendly” countries designated by russia is almost identical to the list of countries where there is drinking tap water. You can make your own conclusions, but I think that russians just don’t like tap water.
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬
I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up
Every. Damn. Time.